Missionary
by MySuperAwesomePenName
Summary: In which some poor missionary tries to save the Shadow King's soul.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay, I'd just like to point out that for the record, I have nothing against missionaries ;)**

Kyoya Ootori had never believed in God.

Kyoya Ootori did not like missionaries.

And Kyoya Ootori, who was expecting his girlfriend, Haruhi, to arrive soon, was annoyed when he opened the door to find a man in a suit.

Before he could think to say anything, the man opened his mouth.

"Sir, have you met God yet?"

Kyoya's eyebrow twitched, and he considered just slamming the door, but he knew from experience that the man would wait outside _all_day if he had to, so he reluctantly answered. "I do believe I have."

The man smiled widely. "Well that's _wonderful_, son. But maybe you don't know him as well as you should; I have a pamphlet right here that I want you to look at, alright?" Kyoya merely nodded, tilting his head so that the glare of the weak afternoon sun reflected on his glasses. The man pulled what looked like a very thick novel out of his bag.

"Now, here's your pamphlet, it explains anything you might need to know. Here's the section on drinking, and here is where it informs you about the dangers of sex before marriage, I actually heard a very good sermon on that subject…I think I have the DVD in here somewhere…"

He searched his bag for a good five minutes, during which time Kyoya gritted his teeth and tried to look pleasant, and finally pulled out a blank DVD case, which he handed over to Kyoya.

"Now, I think this video stands just fine on its own, but I recommend that you take the rest of the series, this young man is amazing. I think I have the whole series in my satchel, here."

Once again, he began rummaging around in his bag, taking, Kyoya looked at his watch, fifteen minutes to locate them all. He then took the DVDs, which all looked the same, and began to explain to Kyoya exactly which ones were which.

"Ok, the first in the series is Saved, which is this one right here, then comes Time, and then Pillar of Salt, don't get those two mixed up, whatever you do. Next in the series is Nazareth, which is my personal favorite…then finally Forbidden Fruit, which is the one you're holding."

He chattered on for a while on the properties of each sermon and what made each one special, and by the end of the man's monologue, Kyoya was fighting not to hit himself over the head with something blunt and heavy just to put himself out of his misery.

"Now," the man said. "Do you understand everything, or do you need me to explain the pamphlet some more?"

Kyoya hastened to speak up before the man went off again. "No, no. No need to do that, I understand everything completely."

"Well that's just perfect, son. Here's my card." He handed Kyoya a small white card with a bible on the front. "Just call me up if you have any questions or concerns, alright?"

Kyoya's fake smile stretched across his face and he nodded with false enthusiasm.

When the man finally left, Kyoya heaved a relieved sigh, slamming the front door and slumping into the easy chair in his living room. He looked up at the ceiling and prayed.

"I promise I'll go to church tomorrow, or rescue a stray kitten, anything you please, but whatever you do, just don't send _that_man to my house again."

Outside, the missionary, having overheard, couldn't help but smirk. His plan had worked. _Just wait till I tell the guys at church about this!_

**AN: So tell me what you guys think, was the missionary annoying enough? Should I do some missionary chapters for the other hosts, too? I have to admit, I'd personally love to see how a missionary would react to the twins XD Review and let me know!**


	2. Chapter 2

Early on what should have been a fine Saturday morning, Hikaru and Kaoru Hitachiin were awoken rather suddenly by a knocking sound at their front door.

"Hikaru, get the door," Kaoru moaned sleepily.

Hikaru grumbled and rolled over, ignoring his twin.

He woke up a little more as his body hit the cold, hardwood floor of their bedroom.

He groaned in pain, and Kaoru inched over to look down at him. "You okay, Hikaru?"

His brother nodded drowsily, laying completely limp against the floor.

"That's good. Now get the door."

Picking himself up off of the floor wearily, he dragged Kaoru out of bed and out of the bedroom with him.

They were both surprised to find a man dressed in some sort of robes, holding a Bible and what looked like a box full of devotionals. The man looked a little shocked at their appearance. They only had on pajama pants, their hair was rumpled, and they looked like they'd just woken up. He swallowed nervously.

"Hello, gentlemen. Have you met Jesus, yet?"

Hikaru and Kaoru glanced at each other, deciding to have a little fun with the man.

The twins both put on confused faces, and Hikaru said, "Jesus? Who's he?"

"I don't know, Hikaru," Kaoru answered. "But he sounds like one of those Mexican super heroes."

"Nah," Hikaru responded. "Sounds more like the name of a major drug dealer." His twin nodded in agreement.

By now, the man's face was pale, and he was moving his lips, but no sound came out.

"So," Hikaru said secretively. "What _brand_ does this 'Jesus' dude sell? We might be interested."

The missionary hastily held up his Bible, and for the next ten minutes, he explained to the "clueless" twins that Jesus was, in fact, their Savior, and not a drug dealer.

"Now, the man said. "Would you like to have a devotional?"

"Hold on a sec," Hikaru said. "That last verse you told us, can you show me exactly where in that 'Devotional' it says that?"

The man nodded. "Certainly," he replied. "Glad to help."

He flipped through the booklet until he came across a section that had been bookmarked with a hot pink sticky note, then he showed it to Hikaru, who squinted at it, pretending he couldn't read it.

"Ugh," he groaned. "I need my reading glasses."

He disappeared into the house, leaving the man to awkwardly socialize with Kaoru, who was looking at him like he was prey.

Hikaru returned less than five minutes later. "I can't find them," he whined to his brother. "Where did you put them?"

"_Me_?" Kaoru questioned. "Why would I have had them. My eyes, as you know, are 20/20."

"Seriously, Kaoru! Where did you put them?"

"I didn't put them anywhere! You care more about those glasses than you do about trusting me!" Kaoru squeezed out three tears and looked away as if hurt.

Immediately, Hikaru reached out towards him, touching his face. "I'm sorry," he said tenderly. "I always blame you for everything."

"That's not true, Hikaru. You just need to trust me a bit more." The twins embraced, and the missionary looked away awkwardly, getting a little freaked out by now.

When Hikaru finally turned back to him while wiping tears out of his eyes, the man suggested that he use _his_ glasses.

"Oh no," Hikaru said warmly. "That would be too much of a bother to you. I think I have something around here that I can use."

He disappeared into the house again and came back a minute later with a magnifying glass.

"There," he said. "Now I'll be able to see."

The man hesitantly handed over the devotional, and Hikaru took it, holding the magnifying glass close to the pages.

"Ah, yes," he said. Then he angled the magnifying glass a bit more so that the sun caught it, and the booklet was 'accidentally' set on fire. The man jumped, eyes wide.

Hikaru began laughing like a mad man, and Kaoru said quietly, "That was strange. Wouldn't you agree, Ed?" and began having a conversation with the empty space next to him.

The poor missionary turned on his heel, clutching his box of devotionals as he ran away, terrified.

**AN: Leave me a review and tell me what you think! :)**


End file.
